Oh yeah… I have another child too!
I have often said that Jackson was meant to be Lindsey’s big
brother, as each day passes I believe this more and more. I am the proud recipient
of complements by strangers and friends alike of kindness, big heartedness, and
thoughtfulness displayed by this special boy. He proves to be a true gift from
God, not only to her but to me and his dad as well. Jackson has taught us what
pure love is. We are constantly surprised by the maturity that can be displayed
in everyday actions by an 8yr old. Don’t get me wrong, he is also mischievous
and silly, inquisitive and exhausting and quite talkative- BUT it pales in
comparison to his ability to care for his little sister.
So as you can imagine he is a great deal of help both around
the house and when we are out and about. He also knows life isn’t “fair” there
is plenty he can do that she cannot, and he is aware that there are times she
is allowed or even rewarded for things that he is not. This is where being a
good parent gets tricky! Keep in mind I have two children, Jackson and Lindsey-
and no handbook. These two kids are so different; they have different
personalities, interests and abilities. They hit milestones at different times,
they learn different and react different to rewards and punishment. So my
constant challenge is to raise them based on who they are, what they understand
and what their abilities are in a way that creates harmony and joy. (Challenge
may have been an understatement.)
I find myself researching things for Lindsey, devoting
myself to her ever-changing needs and me becoming the subject matter expert of
the hour, day or week that a new issue appears. I know that I don’t spend equal
time thinking about my kids and that’s tough. In a perfect world I would be
able to balance them perfectly, unfortunately the reality is that I have guilt
over this and spend many late night hours trying to figure out how to be a
better mom tomorrow. I go to bed worried that I didn’t pay enough attention to
the 225th story about a cartoon Jackson watched or why a video game
guy was “soo cool” because I was busy asking (begging) Lindsey to repeat
something so that I could have that glimpse into her world. Or on the really
bad nights I worry because I needed them both to go play in another room so I
could keep reading the most recent article on helping Lindsey recover and I
missed all the stories and comments of the night. Nights are filled with me
challenging myself to be better and thanking God for the day I had, always
asking for just one more.
When mornings come we jump into routine and I try my best to
be a part of the moment, I try to appreciate the sound of Jackson’s age 8 voice
and the mysteries the world holds for him with his inquisitiveness. I try to
tune out everything else and focus on Lindsey, her world and her gains on how
well she is communicating. I often get caught back in the trap of the “real
world”, chores, errands, work, dinner and everything else and find those
precious moments slip away.
The big picture is that I have two pretty fantastic kids and
although I keep trying to raise the bar on myself, when I reflect on their growth,
their kindness to each other, their ability to push themselves to be better- I
realize that they are just fine. I will likely always challenge myself to do
better, if I expect it from them – they should expect it from me. My goal in
the end is no different than any other mother or parent, to cherish my children
for the time that they are mine. They will grow up, they will have lives of
their own and if I have done my part they will raise children by day and
challenge themselves at night.
If you worry that you give too much attention to one, not
enough to another or that your time isn’t evenly split- let me give you
permission to give yourself a break. If you are worrying that means you are
pretty great to start with. It’s hard being a parent, it is tough being a
special needs parent (being the champion you child relies on), it is really
hard being an engaged present parent especially to multiple children and it is
impossible to be the perfect parent. So be you! Be the mom that your kids adore
and try your best to be a part of these quickly passing moments.
#hopeforautism #autismmom
